I stood up for myself today. One of my roommates talks about me when I’m in the other room, and it’s been bothering me. When she got home earlier I heard her say to her girlfriend “There are papers coming out of her room!” I stepped out of my room and said, “excuse me?” and then told her that if something I’m doing is bothering her she can tell me directly and that I feel disrespected when she talks about me when I can hear her. It was very satisfying to witness her stunned facial expression. I grabbed my shoulder bag and purse and left. It was raining outside and I held back tears on my way to the coffee shop. I felt really lonely.
Quitting coffee is going well. Black tea is my methadone. I read online that a cup of black tea has half the amount of caffeine as coffee, which proved to be just the right amount to stave off a headache. I had only one cup around 9:30 this morning and all day long I was headache free!
At work today the librarian was out for a meeting so one of the fourth grade teachers came in to sub for a kindergarten class. She sat the kids on the carpet before check-out to go over how library works. She was really funny and outgoing. It was uplifting and reminded me of how to have fun. I also thought of how I’m not living up to my potential. I am funny and outgoing. If I had showed those qualities at work, I could have presented story time and engaged the kids and made them laugh. HOWEVER, I am taking baby steps. Last year at work I was quiet and ran away from people when they talked to me. This year I’ve been more aware of how I come across (awkward, shy and uncomfortable), and have been making an effort to come across as more open, comfortable, and confident.
I like my job, and believe in what I do, but I don’t feel at home there. I don’t connect with the people there. I keep asking myself, why am I still here? This is my life – why am I spending it somewhere I don’t want to be? My heart sinks when I see people happy with their families and friend groups. They are settled. They have a full life. That’s what I want, but right now I’m sort of drifting. I don’t know where I’ll be living three weeks from now, when my temporary rental agreement ends.
I’m still so sad about my un-lived twenties, and the fact that I’m 29 with so few experiences to show for it. Some days I feel okay about it, though, and sometimes I’m almost completely at peace with it, and I’m moving forward one step at a time.