Today was sort of a bust. Went shopping for dress to wear to brother’s wedding and did not find one. Thought about how JC Penney dresses are not for me and I’d feel more comfortable in something unusual like a rare vintage dress or dapper tuxedo. Gave up and had orange chicken with fried rice from Lotus Express. Fried rice tasted weird so dumped most of it in garbage. Had headache and was tired so came home and went to room to lie down for awhile.
Whoa. Okay. Took a break from this post to Facebook and something surreal happened with a girl on Facebook that completely lifted my spirits. O.M.G. Will share later.
Went to improv jam at Dog Story. Like at Second City Level A Class and at two other times I’ve gone to Dog Story jam was once again not brave enough to participate. Stood on the sidelines watching nervously. Was lost and mind wandered. Waiting for my mind to unlock the key and be totally into it. I know there is somewhere inside of me that would fall in love with improv and thrive in it. Or maybe I am just crazy. Having a beer now in pond room which is what I dreamed of doing while nervous on sidelines. Next week at improv need to be fearless and test limits.
This morning upon waking read two chapters of beginning of fifth Harry potter book in which Harry appears to be having summer like mine with same emotional cycles of angst and relief as he awaits hearing for illegally using magic outside of Hogwarts. After two cups of coffee and breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausage and banana went for two mile half run/half walk. When got back went to room to check Tinder and came across profile of girl from writer’s workshop I participated in three years ago. Was same girl who, after I shared humor essay about middle school infatuation with basketball coaches, made me re-question my sexuality with comment about how straight girls have same experience of confusing attraction with admiration. Have been patting myself on back all day for excellent gaydar, as I remember at the workshop wondering if her reflective expression after the comment was a dawning recognition of her own non-binary sexuality. Swiped right but had feelings of not being good enough as she plays guitar in a local folk band that tours the country and is only 25. Made me feel like failure for being 30 with so little accomplished and made me wish I were part of a folk band that toured the country and imagined how great my twenties would have been if I’d pursued it. Sinking sense of despair at thought of living rest of life without memories of traveling folk-band twenties made me want to weep into a soft motherly bosom. Was in middle of shower by the time became mindful of this familiar negative thought pattern. Switched to positive thoughts and told myself there is still time to be who I was born to be and to create memories and immediately resolved to go to improv jam tonight and to prepare for it beforehand by watching Gilda Radner videos. Going to intentionally work on social anxiety there too and approach people who scare me.
Typing from swing by pond. This morning had delicious healthy breakfast of fried egg, two sausage links, oatmeal, yogurt with blueberries and a banana. Trying to stay off Facebook. One reason being that I need to stop thinking about the librarian. I was attracted to her and always wondered if the feeling was mutual especially after the night in January of this year when I went out with her and four teachers. We had all been drinking and she got up to go to the bathroom and came back and sat so close to me the entire length of her thigh was against the entire length of mine and our shoulders were touching. We sat that way the whole night and I got tingles up and down my spine and everywhere in my body. I walked around in a haze the next day listening to Colbie Caillat’s Bubbly on repeat. I think about that night often to confirm my hope that she was at least curious about me, but I don’t know if she’s thought about it once. It’s rare for me to feel that intense of chemistry toward someone and that’s why I hold on to it. Also, the fact that it was that intense makes it hard to believe she didn’t feel it too. One-sided attractions happen all the time though and it shouldn’t be that hard to find a mutual one with someone who’s available as long as I get myself out there and am open and honest.
Went to Jamie’s in Muskegon tonight. We drove to the beach and sat on a blanket and talked. She told me her boyfriend pushes her out of her comfort zone, and she told me about all of the things her and her boyfriend do together, and my chest ached with loneliness for a companion. Before it got dark we went back to her place where we sat on the couch and watched Harry Potter while painting our toenails. I was happy and worry free, and on the drive home I made a mental note to get out more every day and live.
Typing from bed. Slept in today and had coffee outside. Was in great mood because three day headache finally went away after taking allergy med. Went rollerblading, made guacamole, wasted too much time online. Paid bills. Walked down to the river with small backpack on as if I were backpacking through Europe. Came home, took shower and watched Fey and Poehler Golden Globe intros while making dinner. Laughed and wanted to make people laugh like they do. Feeling lost like I’m not where I’m supposed to be this summer. People talk about how they are closing one chapter and starting another when they change life phases but I feel like I never start the chapter, or if I do I never finish it or only skim through it. Need to refocus my thoughts and get centered and be positive like Betty White. Every day I say I’m going to make a to do list so I don’t waste time. Every day I don’t do it and I feel despair that I’ve wasted another day of my life and pretty soon I will be 50 with nothing accomplished and an un-lived life. Okay, that’s not positive. Stop. I’m going to make a to do list for tomorrow but I hesitate because I worry that even with a to do list I won’t be spending my time in the best way. Stop. Going to make a to do list and have slots for writing, studying improv/comedy and working on public speaking anxiety, and a slot for working on social anxiety. But I should just not have a to do list and not focus on those things and instead focus on enjoying the rest of the summer, carefree, and be a free spirit and take off on a road trip somewhere. The thought of that brings me peace, until I remember that I will probably feel lost when I go. Also I need to save my money for Europe. Agh! Once again, a long term plan is what I need. Decided to wake up first thing tomorrow and follow my Chicago weekday morning routine of shower, breakfast, then walking somewhere. Going to walk down to the Riverstop and have coffee and refocus. Looking forward to it, even though I feel like the coffee shop is not where I’m supposed to be on July 24, 2015 and that I’m a lost soul out of sync with the rest of the world.
Woke up at 9:45 and had coffee. Picked up a few groceries, went for a run, showered, made guacamole for lunch. Have been in funk for several days and lately realizing that I am always in funks so it’s not my situation but the way I look at things that makes me feel bad. So trying to change habits because want to live life with joy and appreciation like Betty White. Felt most alive today when I watched a video of Robin Williams doing improv at Second City in 1989. Now drinking tea in room facing pond thinking about how to fill my days and how badly I need to travel. Thinking about how all I need to do is have a plan for next year or more of my life and then I’ll be at peace. Having fun little conversations with niece in between typing.
Brother and his fiance came over in the morning after pre-marriage counseling. We sat in living room and told stories about worst injuries we’ve sustained. They invited me to go on cruise with them this winter and I couldn’t commit because I don’t know where I’ll be by then. Made me wish I had next year of my life planned out. After they left niece and I went to Fremont Lake and paddled out on a raft. Later we went for a three mile bike ride.
Met GRCC friends Angie and Heather for lunch at Republic. Came home and checked OkCupid for messages and page views.